Copying With Rude Preteen:
Where Did My Sweet Daughter Go?
By Kelly Nault, M.A.

Dear Mom Dealing with Early Teenage Behavior Problems,

When your lovely sweet daughter has suddenly transformed into a bossy troublemaker and brings down the entire family with the "adolescent blues", it is important to remember that neither you, nor any member of the household has to stand under her rain cloud.

Here are a couple of ways to start experiencing sunny skies with your pre-teen once again:

1. Encourage her.
   
   One of my counseling mentors is the late Dr. Dreikurs. He wisely stated that, "A misbehaving child, is a discouraged child." Notice and point out the things your daughter does that are helpful and the times that she is happy. One of the best ways we can encourage children and teenagers is to have them contribute more to the household. Consider having her help out more. If she resists (and she might especially if she hasn't been doing much around the home), consider going on strike in a few areas of household upkeep until she helps out. My favorite gone-on-strike zone is making dinner: one day I refused to prepare the family evening meal without a child helping (they can take turns). Although, there were a lot of grumblings, it only took three days before they were happily helping out. Dinner preparation is a golden opportunity for a family to come together to create a wonderful meal and share the joys and challenges of their day.
   
   

2. Do your best to find out what's at the bottom of it!
   
   Regardless if hormones play a part or not, it is important to find out what's going on for her. During a quiet time (when no one is around) tell your daughter you've noticed a change in her and that you can't imagine she is feeling very happy inside to be lashing out at the people she loves. Ask her if this is the case. If she says "No", then ask her what is going on and find out if there is any way you can support her. If she is unresponsive, remain positive. Tell her that, when she figures it out or wants to talk about it, you are there for her and that you trust she will work it out.
   
   

3. Don't stand for disrespect.
   
   It is completely fair to ignore rude behavior. Instead of screaming or raising your voice in response to an adolescent who is behaving inappropriately, reply in a calm voice and say something like, "I can see you're upset right now. When you're ready to talk about it or want a hug, come find me." Then leave the room. Don't get into screaming matches-you will likely lose.