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Parenting Challenge: Taking Control of
Young Children’s Behavior
By Kelly Nault
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Control. It’s something most parents crave. Chaos is far from
fun, but when everything is “under control,” life is grand.
Moms and dads know this truth firsthand. When the three-year-old
decides to throw a temper tantrum in front of company and the
eighteen-month-old decides to taste-test the dog’s new food—both
at the same time, of course—for these parents, taking control of
young children’s behavior becomes a top priority.
“If I could just control them, everything would be fine!,”
exasperated moms and dads often exclaim. But the truth is, you
can’t control your children. You can only control you.
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Parents Taking Control of Young Children's
Behavior Rarely Succeed
Parents who seek to make their kids do what they want them to do
often wind up feeling completely out of control. This sounds
counterintuitive, perhaps, but the more you try to control your
children, the more they will try to control you! You see, if
your kids feel you’re running a dictatorship, they might try and
overthrow you—and when this happens, anarchy rules!
Now, you may think I am suggesting you let them rule the roost,
but nothing could be further from the truth. What we are looking
for is a democratic environment that is led and guided by you.
This kind of environment doesn’t mean turning your kids loose
and letting them wreak havoc or allowing them to put themselves
in danger, but it does mean taking control of your own actions
so that your children learn to take control of theirs.
So if the thought “I need to be in control of my kids” is
currently dominating your mind, remind yourself that ultimately
you can only control what you do. In the end, parents taking
control of young children’s behavior will find themselves amidst
even more chaos. Moms and dads must learn to foster good
behavior instead of forcing it.
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Parenting Control Strategies for Your Child's
Behavior
One of the dozens of techniques
that I teach on how to regain a sense of control and motivate
your child to want to be well behaved is what I call a
“Distraction Action” in chapter nine of my parenting book, When You’re
About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You.
“Distraction Actions” are exactly what they sound like: when
your child is doing something that you don’t want them to do, a
“Distraction Action” shifts your child’s attention toward
something positive and productive.
For instance, parents can quickly gain control of a situation by
creating challenges in the midst of potential turmoil. If your
child is doing something you don’t want them to do, instead of
saying “No” (which will only motivate them to want to do it
more), say something like, “Let’s see how fast we can run up the
stairs while holding hands.” Another way to take your child’s
focus off misbehaving is to ask them, “Would you give me the
biggest hug you can possibly give?” or “How loud and then how
quiet can we say ‘I love you’ to each other?”
Not only do these types of requests help calm rising chaos, but
they also mend the emotional distance that can be created by
ongoing conflict. “Distraction Actions” help parents. Taking
control of young children’s behavior is not effective, but
taking control of the situation is. How do you do this? By
showing your children how to participate in activities and
behaviors that are positive and safe. You cannot force desirable
behavior, but you can encourage, nurture, and foster it.
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The Key to Experiencing Less Chaos in Your Home
One of the best ways parents can positively influence young
children’s behavior is to help their children feel useful.
We all need to be needed, and children are no exception.
Sometimes shifting your child’s mental state is just a matter of
giving them an opportunity to feel useful.
I witnessed a great example of this a while ago when my young
niece, age six at the time, was acting up at a family gathering.
I looked at her and said, “Would you help me out?” She looked
surprised and then flattered.
“Would you go into the kitchen and help Grandma bring out the
buns and butter?” I continued. With a smile on her face she got
busy and forgot all about misbehaving. Sometimes influencing
positive behavior requires nothing more than asking your
children to help out.
When it seems that chaos is ruling your household, there’s hope
for parents. Taking control of young children’s behavior is not
desirable—and, besides, it’s impossible. Remember, the more
parents try to control their children, the more young children
will try to control their parents! Instead, parents can
encourage, nurture and foster positive behavior and productive
attitudes in their children. The end result is a happy home that
everyone can be proud of—kids included.
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Kelly Nault, MA award winning parenting author of When You’re
About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You
inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their
children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to
want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her
free online parenting course here.
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