“Pick up your feet. We’re going to be late for school!” I hiss.
What I actually want to say is, “I’m going to be late for work
for the third time this week because of your dawdling!”
It is barely eight in the morning—I’m tired, I’m cranky and I’ve
used up all my parental ammunition as I’ve taken away every
single privilege they have and even some privileges they don’t
even have.
So while on the brink of parenting burnout, now over a decade
ago, I can’t even muster up the strength to use my default
self-care line, “My energy batteries are low right now and I
need to take five minutes alone to recharge them so I can enjoy
my time with you. “ But that morning, I was beyond deep
breathing! Instead, I continued to nag, and then nag some more.
Just then, this eight-year-old looks up and says, “You know, I
am starting to think your batteries just aren’t the rechargeable
kind.”
In four seconds flat this child has called my superwoman bluff.
Forever burned in my memory, this is the day when I began to
realize that ‘Super Moms’ are no more real than the abdominal
snowman. Yes it was with some shock that I realized ‘Super Moms’
only end up ’super stressed’.
Later that day, while sitting opposite my counseling client
lecturing her on self-care, a little voice in my head says, “You
fake! You wouldn’t know self-care if it ran past you naked”.
Thus began my commitment (and later my mission as a parenting
counselor, mother and author) to help enlighten other Moms about
the reality of what a ‘Good Mom’ truly means.
Our ‘Good Mom’ Myth Exploded
Most of us (myself included) have
bought into the ‘Good Mom’ myth which states:
The measure of a ‘Good Mom’ is
counted by how much she sacrifices for her kids.
In reality, however,
woman and mothers who use selfless
devotion wind up having less ‘self’ to give to their loved ones.
And we’ve all heard it before, when Mom ain’t happy ain’t
nobody happy!
The selfless Moms are often the
ones plagued by colds, short tempers and even depression. These
Moms often find themselves visiting a therapist’s office like
mine, when they have lost their passion not only for parenting,
but for life.
So what’s the solution? Do I
suggest mothers become selfish? No, although in small doses
selfishness can be very healthy! From working with thousands of
mothers, I’ve concluded that what we need is an entirely
different parenting approach. Becoming ‘self-full’ is what I
most recommend. ‘Self-full’ mothering occurs when mothers
choose to become fulfilled in their own life, so they can
inspire their children to do the same.
When Moms don’t take care of their
own basic needs, they become grumpy, grouchy and sometimes even
witchy (just ask your kids!). We all know that self-care is good
for us—but who has the time to do what’s good for us!
Parenting Self-Care, The Easy Way
If you are just too sleep deprived
and too frazzled to squeeze in anything for you, then you may
find the following questions an easy way to start or reignite
your self-care process, without adding more to your parenting
to-do list!
Before you do any task, ask
yourself the following question:
“Will this task deplete or fulfill
me?”
If you answer ‘deplete’—seriously
consider not doing the task. If this seems impossible then ask
yourself:
“How CAN I make this next task
fulfilling?”
Every day you have a gazillion
things to do. It is what we choose to do and how
we choose to look at our life that creates or destroys our sense
of fulfillment. Ask
better questions to make better choices—then you can experience
a better life.
With practice, you can transform
your to-do items from draining to entertaining. Listen to your
favorite music while scrubbing the toilet; make up silly rhymes
with your kids while making dinner; even wear your most colorful
p.j.’s backwards when picking the kids up from school. There are
all kinds of ways to infuse your tasks with fun and
meaning—repeat your favorite affirmation or prayer, or simply
think of all the things you are grateful for. Ask your kids to
join you in this commitment and watch how you not only survive
your days, but begin to thrive.
The One Thing I Know about Your Family
Even though
I don’t know you personally, I know that your family deserves to
have a Mom who is fulfilled, happy and a joy to be around—one
whose footsteps they will be inspired to follow.
That Mom is you! Commit to
doing fulfilling tasks that nourish you, and see how moment
after moment your life and your family’s life can become more
than it is already.
